Greek Gods-Modernized Idiots

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A GUY NAMED FISH HEAD. HE HAD A FISH FOR A HEAD. IT WAS NOT SALMON. IT WAS NOT TUNA. IT WAS NOT EEL. IT WAS NOT EVEN SHARK. IT WAS A FISH HEAD. AND WHAT A WONDERFUL FISH HEAD IT WAS. THAT'S WHY HE WAS NAMED FISH HEAD. CUZ HIS FISH HEAD WAS SO WONDERFUL THAT HIS FISH MOMMY DECIDED TO NAME HIM FISH HEAD. HIS FISH HEAD WAS NOT BLUE. HIS FISH HEAD WAS NOT RED. HIS FISH HEAD WAS GREEN, AND IT WOULD ALWAYS BE GREEN. FISH HEAD HAD A WONDERFUL FISH HEAD THAT WAS NOT BLUE OR RED. IT WAS IN FACT A GREEN FISH HEAD. FISH HEAD HAD A GREEN FISH HEAD THAT WAS WONDERFUL. HE HAD A WONDERFUL GREEN FISH HEAD. The end. [Aphrodite's bed time story]
[Artemis rolls eyes, and Athena sighs. They're sitting next to Aphrodite on her bed, who is crying.]
Aphrodite: That...was...SO...amazing.
Athena: Yeah, yeah. I'm going to bed.
Artemis [frightened]: DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HER!
[Athena leaves, leaving Artemis alone with Aphrodite. Aphrodite is smiling really big, and Artemis is slowly edging toward the door.]
Aphrodite [demanding, deeper voice than normal. Fists out, enthusiastic]: Give me a VASE! I demand a VASE!
Artemis [crying]: What?! Why?!
Aphrodite: Because I want and it and I should get what I want. [regular voice] And because I'm beautiful.
[Artemis rolls eyes, but Aphrodite continues]
Aphrodite: And I want a pony and a puppy and a parakeet and a peacock and a pony.
Artemis: Poor animals.
Aphrodite: [laughs]
Artemis: Right....
Aphrodite: I demand a VASE!
Artemis: WHY?!
[Artemis runs outside, crying and confused. Athena is standing outside the door; she had been listening to everything, and is giggling.]
Artemis: Why, Athena, why?!
Athena: Why what?
Artemis: Why does she [copying Aphrodite's "epic voice"] demand a VASE?! [holds fists in the air like Aphrodite]
Athena [looking at Artemis like she's an idiot]: To put flowers in.
Artemis: No, what? I don't use my vase for that.
Athena: What do you use your vase for.
Artemis [quickly]: Condoms.
Athena: What?
Artemis: Condom...nation for the whole of humanity.
Athena: Are you sure?
Artemis: What? Of course. Duh.
[From downstairs] Zeus: Artemis, stop bothering Athena.
Artemis: What?! She started it!
Zeus: Artemis, shut up or you're grounded for a month.
Artemis: Sorry, Dad. [to Athena] I'm going to bed. [leaves]
Athena: kay. [shrugs]

THE NEXT MORNING

Apollo: And then I had a dream where everyone loved me, and I woke up, and it came true! [flips a curl of his hair]
[Apollo and Artemis are the only ones at the table. Hera is grumbling as she makes breakfast, and Artemis is trying not to sleep in her food. Aphrodite is babbling in the living room to Zeus, and Athena is in the bathroom getting ready for school.]
Artemis: [bubbles come up as she breathes] Yeah....
Apollo [chipper and somehow wide awake]: And today, when I woke up, you'll never guess what I did, Arty!
Artemis: Did you just call me "Arty"?
Apollo: Yes, I did. But can you guess?
Arty [sarcasm]: Uhm...well...no.
Apollo: I looked in the mirror, and went "Damn, I look good." Don't I look good today, Arty?
Athena [walking downstairs]: Do you ever stop talking? I swear you talk about yourself in your sleep.
Aphrodite [from the living room]: And I told her that I ["epic voice"] demanded a VASE! But she didn't get me one! Damn her! [back to normal] But my night was nice. How was your's?
Athena [to Arty, shocked]: You didn't get her her vase?!
Arty: Was I supposed to?! [starting to cry a little] If she wanted it why didn't she just get it herself?!
Apollo: Someone's about to start their period. Let's hope it comes.
Aphrodite [from living room]: That's what she said!
[All of the kids roll their eyes as they all grab something to eat. Apollo grabs most of the food, leaving two pieces of toast for Artemis and Athena.]
Athena: Mom, can I have some-
Hera [harshly]: No.
Athena [confused]: O...kay....
Apollo: Mom, can I have some more toast?
Hera [sweet voice]: Of course, dear. [goes to make toast]
[Athena looks confused while Apollo smirks. Artemis starts ripping apart the toast, looking bored.]
Apollo: Hey, Arty, should I keep my hair the way it is, or should I wear a headband?
Athena: Won't you get in trouble for that at school?
Apollo and Arty at the same time [Apollo seriously, Arty mockingly]: Anything to look good.
Aphrodite [walking in]: But I really wanna find something that makes me lose weight fast. [talking to Zeus]
Arty: You want to be skin and bones?
Aphrodite: Skin and bones is in, Arty-
Artemis [cutting her off]: Why does everyone keep calling me that?!
Aphrodite: But I guess you wouldn't know. [looks at Arty disdainfully]
Arty: Did you just call me-?! I'll worry about it later.
Apollo: She's right, you could lose some weight.
Athena: Apollo, if you were wise, you'd shut up before your sister gets her bow.
Apollo: She's your sister to.
Athena: Touche.